Deviled Eggs

Gloria had just finished talking to his husband, Ryan, about the results of the pregnancy test. She was positive.

But it turns out the baby wasn’t Ryan’s. Gloria has been having an affair with their neighbor for six months now.

But it turns out Ryan has also been having an affair.

And it turns out that Ryan has been having the affair with their neighbor too,

And it turns out that Ryan and Gloria have been having an affair with the same neighbor, Mark Hanson.

It turns out that Ryan is gay and has known it for almost the entirety of his four year marriage with Gloria.

And it turns out that Ryan was going to ask for a divorce if Gloria ended up testing negative.

But it turns out Gloria was going to miscarry the baby to hide the fact that she was having an affair by “falling down the stairs.”

But it turns out Ryan was going to poison her food the next morning to lose the baby.

But it turns out that Gloria tested a false positive. Gloria just didn’t know.

And it turns out Gloria and Ryan had deviled eggs that Ryan poisoned with vitriol. He made two batches, one with poison, the other with love. He garnished one plate of eggs with a cilantro leaf to know which one had the poison.

But it turns out Ryan forgot which plate was which. He couldn’t remember if the cilantro leaf meant that there was poison in the food or not.

And it turns out Ryan and Gloria sat down at the kitchen table and had their breakfast. Gloria received the one without the garnish. They ate in silence.

And it turns out Ryan got a bloody nose while eating.

But it turns out Gloria ate the poisonous eggs.

And it turns out the vitriolic acid burned a hole through Gloria’s throat. Flesh, phlegm, and foam poured out of Gloria’s new orifice. She was dead within seconds. Her lifeless head bounced on the plate of dastardly eggs.

But it turns out Ryan inhaled the vitriolic fumes from cooking the eggs in the pan. The acidic acid burned through his sinuses, causing his nose to bleed. Each breath burned his airways. The acid made its way to his lungs which collapsed upon themselves like wet rice paper. His air ways filled up with blood and acid. Ryan spat out this devilish mixture. His carcass flopped off of his kitchen chair.

And it turns out it wasn’t cilantro acting as a garnish on Ryan’s plate.

It turns out it was parsley.

 

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