First and foremost, I am a creator of things.
In my typical week, I have 13 time commitments in which I have signed up for. Out of these 13, I only want to be at 6 of them. That means that 7 commitments are things I don’t want to do.
Why the fuck did I let that happen?
I feel like I have a double life or sorts. At these meetings, I am a young professional. I feel so square pretending to be this dressed up, polished version of myself.
The other version of me is the one that is true.
I’m an amateur in a lot of the things I do. I am Hec. I don’t dress up my personality and I make so many mistakes. I don’t comb my hair and I sneezed without covering my mouth about 15 minutes ago. I forgot to brush my teeth last Tuesday in the morning, so I went most of the morning trying not to speak to anyone until I went back home and finally brushed them at 1pm. I never learned how to properly tie my shoes. I’m arrogant. I’m unorganized, but meticulous with things I put my name on. I’m overly competitive and hate losing more than anything else. I’m kind, but can’t take a compliment. I take selfies sometimes, but delete them off my phone in fear that someone one day will scroll through my phone and judge the fact that I thought I looked good. I’ve tried to go vegetarian at least four times now and thinking of trying it a fifth time. I’m a defensive driver. I have car anxiety when I’m not behind the wheel. I once wore the same pair of pants my freshman year of college for four days in a row because I was out of detergent and couldn’t go to Walmart to pick up some more. I think I did my taxes wrong. I love Oscar-bait type movies and hate everything else. I love talking about movies so much so that I really want my future partner to be equally in love with the films I love. Ladybird is one of my favorites even though I don’t relate to it much. I love cooking but I hate that I’m not world class at it yet. I think Professionalism is a scam. I can only ever have 2-3 beers before I get too out of hand. I am shamefully afraid of demons even though I’m not religious. I would rather have myself suffer than to inconvenience someone else. In elementary school, I got my first 50 dollar bill for my birthday. The day after I got it, I went to school and bought a ziplock bag full of yugioh cards from someone who sold it to me for said 50. My first kiss was under a towel because we were too afraid that someone would see us kiss. My second kiss was my senior year of high school. I need my coffee to be sweet. I have grown to love the color of my eyes. My first drink came way before I was 21. I used to wear flat-brimmed hats all the time. I think that if I died in five minutes, I would say I’m happy with the life I live. In the 3rd grade, a girl I liked found out that I liked her. All she did was smile. We fast forward to the end of fifth grade and she has one of her friends come up to me and tell me that’s she’s moving so we had to break up. I then pretended to be sad although I was confused because she never said anything back to me in third grade. SO, she thought we were “dating” for almost three years without me even knowing.
And I’m not even sorry for any of it.
Well…maybe the last thing a little.
But I am sorry for wasting my time as the young professional version of myself.
The point is that I want to stop all the BS in my life and do what makes me creative. Happy is too cliche of a word. I want to create things and have those things be shared with other people.
Cent’ Anni. May you live a thousand years.
And may those years have a severe lack of professionalism.
Let’s get to it then.